


Lost in Loneliness

by luzbian



Category: The Owl House (Cartoon)
Genre: Amity Blight Needs a Hug, Amity doesn't realize she's developing a crush yet, Amity is extremely depressed, Angst, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Autistic Amity Blight, Character Study, Emotional Hurt, F/F, I think?, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mentioned Luz Noceda, Self-Hatred, mentioned willow park, takes place immediately after the events of S1E07, very brief suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:42:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29888889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luzbian/pseuds/luzbian
Summary: But deep down she knows she doesn’t actually hate them. Only herself, for not being enough for her parents.Choking back a sob, Amity yanks her hair out of its half ponytail, letting the strands of dyed hair fall around her tear stained face. She runs a hand along her scalp, sharp nails digging into her skin, until her fingers become tangled in her hair.Then she pulls, hard.ORAfter the events of the Wailing Star, Amity has to process her life decisions up until this point and if she really deserves the chance at happiness she's been given.
Relationships: Amity Blight/Luz Noceda
Comments: 2
Kudos: 76





	Lost in Loneliness

**Author's Note:**

> tw // implied self harm, depression, mention of blood, brief suicidal thoughts

Amity crumples against her bedroom door after she gets home, exhaustion finally catching up to her. The book in her hand falls with a thud to the floor, forgotten as tears begin to blur her vision.

She hates this. She doesn’t know what to think of her whole night, from snapping at the human when she was just trying to be nice, to her twin siblings roping that girl, who they had met that afternoon, into helping steal her diary, to how, despite the way Amity has treated her, she still continued to be nice and tried to befriend her.

Even when she doesn’t deserve it. Everything she is, everything she’s worked for, is all built on her parents’ expectations. Their decisions, their choices, their actions, all to shove her in the mold of the perfect child. None of it is actually who she is, which is why she can’t show weakness.

She wanted to fight it, at first. She really did. But her parents threatening to make sure her best friend at the time would never get into Hexside was enough to make her obey their orders.

To lock her real self away.

But what Amity didn’t have to do was be a bully, or be so utterly passive aggressive for years, even when her new, so called ‘friends’ weren’t there. When it was just her and Willow, alone together. She didn’t have to be mean.

She could have come clean, been honest about why she had to cut her off like that. But knowing her, she would have fought it and ultimately suffered the consequences.

Yet she chose to be mean, to be cruel to a girl who didn’t know the full story and only knew that she had been stabbed in the back by one of the people she trusted the most.

Amity hates herself for it every day.

No one likes her, she knows it. Not even the group of girls her parents make her associate with. They only talk to her when they’re bullying someone or want something from her. In all honesty, they’re all boring and their conversations are boring. She’s glad to be left out of most of them.

Then there’s her siblings, who only see her as someone they get to prank and tease however they wish. She despises them for failing to live up to her parents’ standards, placing all the burden on her instead.

It’s not fair. 

But deep down she knows she doesn’t actually hate them. Only herself, for not being enough for her parents.

Choking back a sob, Amity yanks her hair out of its half ponytail, letting the strands of dyed hair fall around her tear stained face. She runs a hand along her scalp, sharp nails digging into her skin, until her fingers become tangled in her hair.

Then she pulls, hard. 

At least the pain from this distracts her from the pain inside.

She’s tired. Tired of being lonely, of having no real people to talk to. Books are great and she loves them, evident by all the tomes shoved on top of and underneath just about every possible surface in her room. 

But there’s something about hearing another person talk, hearing their thoughts and opinions, experiencing real emotions, that books can’t offer.

About hearing another person laugh over a joke you told, about hearing their squeal of excitement when you surprise them with something you know they like.

About knowing that your love for them is mutual.

Amity really misses her best friend.

Sometime later, scalp stinging and eyes burning after her tears seem to have run out, her hands fall to her sides. The undersides of her fingernails and her fingertips are stained with dried blood, reddish brown streaks that are a stark contrast from her pale skin.

And hit the book that she had completely forgotten about.

She picks it up and runs a thumb along the cover, still sniffling.

The human, Luz, is still a mystery to her. Her first impression of Amity was definitely not the best; no first impression involving one of them nearly being dissected could possibly end well. She also had lost her Top Student badge, something her parents were less than pleased about.

Her second was even worse, letting Luz see her weak and vulnerable like that. How her true self really is, the one she had to lock away years ago. After that, she thought—hoped, she wouldn’t see the girl again.

She didn’t want a reminder of what an embarrassment she was to her family.

But fate had other plans and on the day of the moonlit conjuring, she ran into her and her friends out in the market. Of course, she had befriended Willow. Not surprising, after she had pretended to be an abomination for an entire school day.

That night she couldn’t get the human off of her mind, she hadn’t been able to after the covention, either. Using paper and glyphs to perform magic, when she was just a human?

It was bizarre.

And then finding out that Luz, Willow, and that other kid had managed to bring an entire house to life during the conjuring? Amity was envious.

Of the magical ability required or the people involved, she doesn’t know.

The images of the trio holding hands on Pennstagram were burned into her mind. The human’s eyes, especially, so bright and filled with the childlike wonder she had lost so long ago. It makes her feel funny inside, and she doesn’t understand why. Emotions were always hard for her to understand, and this one was completely new.

The events at the library confused her most of all. Luz had every reason to hate her, just like everyone else does. 

But she didn’t.

Luz still wanted to try and be her friend, but that couldn’t happen. It can’t happen. She hurts everyone she’s ever loved, because she’s too weak to stand up for herself and what she wants.

Amity kind of wishes she’d been sewn into that book for all eternity. It’s what she deserves, after all.

That way, everyone could forget about all the pain she had ever caused them.

For some reason, Luz had tried--and failed, of course--to save her. Amity was angry, but also terrified. Someone else almost got hurt. Someone who didn’t deserve it.

She looks at the hardcover book in her hands, at the cover. Hecate and Azura are posed together, in a way that only indicates allyship.

_Is that what Luz was going on about earlier when I was eavesdropping on her?_

Sighing, Amity leans back until her head rests upon her door. It’s been a long night—a long life, really, and she feels she could pass out at any given second. 

Not caring that she’s still in her school uniform, she rises to unsteady feet and makes her way to bed, crawling underneath the covers.

Maybe it’s time for her to let her walls down a little, and be friendly with the one person on the Boiling Isles that wants to be her friend. Luz has proven she has a good heart on multiple occasions.

At the very least, she deserves a chance. If Azura could give Hecate a chance (she still has to read the book to know if that’s what happens), she can give Luz a chance.

Why Luz seems to see something in her that no one else does, she doesn't know. But it means that maybe Amity isn’t as despicable a person as she thinks she is. Maybe she doesn’t deserve the loneliness that’s nearly swallowed her whole.

Maybe she...actually deserves a friend.

The thought sends a flutter in her chest. Carefully, _The Good Witch Azura 5_ is placed on her nightstand as Amity closes her eyes.

Maybe she doesn’t have to be so lonely anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> been having a really rough time lately and I needed some way to cope so now this exists


End file.
